On this Father’s Day, we are excited to share that I am becoming a Father again :-). Yes, Subhashree is pregnant again and we are expecting the Second Boy by end of September. 6 years after Adhruth’s delivery, it was a surprise and we took it with mixed emotions. Here is my expression on what happened within a span of 24 hours from learning about the Pregnancy.
It is amazing to see how life brings in a bunch of experiences and learnings at a time when I just need it – not early, not late. Life has its own way and here is one such experience in my life.
On 2nd January 2017 I received an email from Megha with a line “Read The Surrender Experiment – by Michael Singer. I believe it’s just what you were waiting for J”. My first thought was “I am not waiting for any book. I hate reading books”. At the same time, I have learnt the Teacher have their own way and surrendering to the journey, started listening to the audio book. The book was about real life experiences of Michael A Singer, who started living life as a Hippi but ended up owning multi-million dollar company. Audio book was narrated by the author himself and that added authenticity to his experiences. Each chapter talked about his life’s experiences and how in every instance, he had a personal preference of doing something but life threw something unexpected and he decided to give up his personal preference to life’s flow of events and in return how miracles happened every time. On any given day, I could not hear more than a couple of chapters, for each experience was taking me deeper. At the end of some chapters, I would just pause the audio book, close my eyes and sit in a state of non-doing for the experience to settle down.
It was 24th January 2017 at 7:30 pm and I was at Adhruth’s swimming class, when a totally unexpected, unplanned, unprepared and unanticipated surprise came up. Subhashree called me and said that Urine test was positive for the pregnancy. We have discussed about having another kid but every time that topic comes up, we conclude that Adhruth needs so much of our time, attention, effort and help that we may not be able to do justice to another little one now.
As Adhruth was still in pool, I was busy googling to learn abortion rules in America. I did not even think it was possible for us to continue with pregnancy, given Adhurth’s conditions and how much time we spent for his health needs. The moment we reached home from Swimming, there was a grim of Silence. I was very clear in my mind that abortion is the best decision for our family.
Adhruth, completely unaware of what has going on, slept peacefully after being tired from Swimming. Neither of us could sleep. We hardly slept for couple of hours and were restless throughout.
In the morning, I was not able to concentrate on any of my routine. We wanted to meet a doctor and abort as soon as possible. Subhashree agreed with me that it was a more realistic option, keeping our emotions aside.
I gathered enough energy and got ready for work. My plan was to call and get an appointment on my way to work. I know, the more we live with this, there will be an emotional attached to the pregnancy that it becomes much more difficult decision later.
As I started the Car, of the 8000 songs in my phone, this random track of my Guru Mahatria played. The Album was “Flow with the Flow” and this specific track was “Flowing with the Flow”. It was an instrumental track with Mahatria’s voice guiding
- Knowing YOU have bigger plans for me, Flowing with the Flow…
- With this Clarity – I am never alone. YOU are always there with me, within me, Flowing with the Flow…
- With the realization, you will never give me an experience that is not needed for me, Flowing with the Flow…
- Hearing you call, “Come…”, I am Flowing with the Flow…
I was so lost with what I was hearing and its randomness. I started the car only after 5 minutes. Still lost in the chain of thoughts, I reached Office. No surprises here, I was unable to concentrate on the work. After an hour, I called Subhashree.
Me: It’s me
Me: Not sure why I called or what to talk. How are you
Me: Did you eat breakfast
Subhashree: Not yet. How are you feeling. What are you thinking
Me: I don’t know how I am feeling. On one side, I am reading this book where Micky explains how he decided to flow with the flow and things have turned out great for him in his life. Then this morning, totally random “Flow with the Flow” track plays in the car. Though, these things are communicating a message to me, I realistically think now is not the right time for us to have another kid. What do you say
Subhashree: I am also confused and tensed. I have always shared everything with my mom and feeling very tight unable to talk to her. Shall I call her and talk
Me: No. Don’t do that now. That may make us guilty, if we decide to abort. Something in me says we should continue but a bigger voice is saying it is not possible and we should abort. So, you please be ready at 4 PM and I will come home and let’s leave immediately and talk to doctors.
Subhashree: Hmm. Ok. Let’s do that.
I reached home and I talked to a Nurse and they said typically they will talk to Subhashree in person first, about the process and give her 24 hours time think through about her decision to abort and if she sticks to that decision then can fix another appointment for abortion. Also, they said that though we can come in and talk to them that evening, earliest counselling is a week from now.
I sat in the recliner silently and after a couple of minutes suddenly said to Subhashree, “Lets go to the Temple”. She was confused. What? Every time when anyone in the home wants to go to the Temple, I have always taken them to the Temple, but never the initiation has come from me. “Seriously. Is that where you want to go now instead of Hospital”. I said, “I am confused beyond explanation and think it is better if we go to the Temple”.
It was a weekday and Hindu Temple of Minnesota opens at 5:30 pm and we were there at 5:45 pm. In fact, me, Subhashree and Adhruth were the only three in the Temple, other than the priests. Idols of all Gods from different parts of India are in individual sanctum sanctorum and usually we start from the left and go all around the temple, worshipping all deities. We started doing that and by the time we were in the middle, at Lord Vishnu’s idol and as we were walking there, we heard the Priest ask, “Any Vishnu Archana sponsors, please come”. After few seconds, he again called out “Any Vishnu Archana sponsors, please come”. I looked around again, there was nobody in the Temple other than us. I told Subhashree, I don’t know why he is asking when it is just us here and we did not plan to do any Archana, but since he is asking, let me pay for the Archana and let’s do it”. The other priest immediately said, “Time’s up, just grab the Archana bag and come and you can pay later”. I quickly ran and grabbed Archana bag and brought it to the priest.
Couple of hours back, I did not plan to be in the Temple and now I am here. Few minutes back, I did not plan for performing an Archana and here I am doing. With these running in my mind, I closed my eyes and stood in front of the alter of God, eyes closed and hands in Prayer position. There was a floodgate of Guru’s voice hitting me hard as if it was waiting for me to close my eyes.
- Very first though I clearly remember was – Prayer is not something you do to HIM. Prayer is something HE does unto HIMSELF, through YOU. I have remembered many times when my Grand Father has said that, until Tirupathi Balaji decides to call you to his place, you can plan multiple times, but, it will not happen. HE needs to decide to give darshan to you and it will happen only then. He wanted me to be the instrument to do this Archana and I am only an instrument. There should be some reason for HIM to make this happen today.
- Not every time a Man and Woman have an intercourse, a baby is formed, it needs a Spiritual intervention for a baby to be formed in the womb and that does not happen all times. There is something beyond us that is involved in this process.
- Don’t think the baby is coming into this world by you. Time for a soul to be born has come and it is happening through you. Be glad you are picked up as the vehicle.
- Don’t think you are taking care of Adhruth and meeting all his needs by your effort. Not even a Thumb can move if HE decides against it.
As these thoughts were running in my mind, another first time ever, I started crying in the Temple. Still, with my eyes closed, a flash showed me everything great that happened to me in the last few years when it was right time for me. I did not think I will come and live in USA for 4 years. This was needed for Adhruth’s health and HE decided to keep me here. In fact, everything related to my Visa status, job change, interviews, offers, happened in exactly precise time when I needed it, completely out my control.
In fact, I was thinking I was taking care of Adhruth and fulfilling all his medical needs but now I am realizing that HE was taking care of Adhruth every day and I am just a device through which HE is fulfilling Adhruth’s needs. Beyond comprehension, things have happened at the right time when I needed it and here now, I am thinking about bringing in my personal intelligence and preferences to disrupt LIFE’s existential flows. How dumb of me. As I read in Micky’s book, my personal preference was not this choice, but if Life’s miraculous flow is this, who am I to stop this. Why am I thinking about stopping it. I have heard my Guru say, “when Christ was about to be crucified, he said, My Lord, if death be your gift unto me, will I say a NO”, that is Prashadha buddhi. Even if Death is God’s gift, how about a new Life in this world. Is that not a reason for celebration.
I wiped the tears rolling down. Subhashree was confused what was happening to me as this is very new for her. I smiled at her and waited for the Archana to complete. After that, sat down in the Temple to just experience the new experience. Slowly, I told her, “I think, we should this pregnancy, without any hesitation. If something has happened naturally now that even when doctors have told it is not possible, certainly there is a Special power that is playing this game. I just want to go with the flow and don’t disturb. So, once we are out of the Temple, call your Parents first and share the happy news. They are going to be Grand Parents again”. Subhashree smiled and said “When they delayed appointment for a week, I knew something would happen, but not so quick. Though I said let’s go with previous decision, something in me was telling this will happen”.
Those moments made me realize, “In life, when GOD upsets your plan, BE HAPPY. Because, now HIS plans are going to be executed and HIS plans are always right”. I have decided to Flow with the Flow and surrender. In my Surrender, it is no more my responsibility. Yes, I will continue to do everything that I need to do, but it is HIS game now.
I smiled when the next thought that came to me was the Smallest prayer that my Guru has thought just by saying “Sambhalna” looking up. My lord, I have Surrendered to you and its now your game and I am ready as a player. Let’s play this game called LIFE in your way, my Lord. Now, I re-read Megha’s email on January 2nd and understood the meaning of the words “I believe it’s just what you were waiting for J”
Your ways are your ways, my Lord.